I'm Broken...

It's been just a little over a week since I broke up with my long term ( and first ever ) Boyfriend.. we were together 4 years and nearly 4 months to the day and since... I've felt broken.. Barely any motivation to do anything at all.. Not to sleep, not to wake up, not to go to work or school... but my appetite for comfort of course has gotten much bigger :(  I don't know how to get my self back up & onto the horse... or the treadmill in my case. I just feel so defeated...  like the living dead. I'm broken, and it hurts.

Energizer Bunny

So it's been just a little over a week since the WLC started and I've lost 5 pounds and 0.5 to 2 inches everywhere. I've also found a gym buddy and I love the Nutribar meal replacement shakes :)  It is so motivating when you see results from all your hard work! I was not in the mood to go to the gym tonight until weighing myself and seeing this start in my transformation! Let's keep it going and going and going... !!!! :)

Biggest Loser

I have never been small, or slim or svelte. I have had a "weight problem" my entire life. I was picked on for other things as a child but my weight is what always made me feel most like a loser to myself. I'm not particularly huge though, I somehow manage to "wear" my weight well. Some would say it's "well distributed" but even at that it doesn't make me feel any better about it. Being well proportioned doesn't mean I feel sexy because I can't even see it as curvy, thick or pleasantly plump. I'm Fat. And I'm DONE being fat I'm done trying this gimick - and that diet, I'm tired of going to the gym and working hard only to come home to a fucking box of cookies or sweets and saying to myself "Oh you worked hard at the gym you can have one" I'm tired of those empty rewards that I make for myself because it's not the reward that I want. I want to stand on a scale and look at my naked body in the mirror and be able to smile at what I'm looking at. I'm tired of all this and I want to be fit so badly but somehow, someway I am still finding it hard to stay motivated, to not giving into the cravings for an oreo cookie or two. But I think I have found a good ( temporary ) motivation. A Weight Loss Challenge! My neighbour is a Trainer and weight loss coach and today was the first day of his winter WLC. The way this challenge works is every person who wants to participate gives the coach 35$. The first day each participant gets weighed and their measurements are taken ( thigh, hip, waist, bust) then every week the group meets up, gets weighed and the coach gives us tips and answers to any questions we might have. Then at the end of 8 weeks the person who has lost the most wins everyone's 35$! Probably the one thing I need more then losing weight is money right now, I'm up to my knees in debt and really, at the end of it all the most I have to lose is my 35$ and the most I have to gain is a kick start towards my goal weight and other people's money! My tunnel vision goal is to lose about 2 pounds a week, push for more because I want to win but 16lbs is what I'm aiming towards.
Day one.
WLC starting weight :   180.8
I will lose 16 Lbs ( or more ) in 8 weeks
And I WILL win everyone's money!

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Until yesterday I had never worked out so hard to the point where I had to throw up. I have worked out to the point where I had fallen off a treadmill, been out of breath, wanted to pass out, but never ever throw up. I can now add that to my list now I guess. It's funny being happy or proud of something like that but I was really working my ass off. I don't think my trainer realized how hard because ( Warning; people with weak stomachs jump ahead of the coming information..) before I spewed hunks everywhere, I bailed on the plank I was doing and swallowed it back down. And I don't think she realizes how hard I push myself because I keep a smile on my face the whole damn time. My first trainer had a problem getting that too, he would tell me " You're smiling,  I guess it isn't hard enough" and he would try to get me to do more reps or up the level on the machine I was on... but I would just keep smiling. Could be why I lost so much weight when I trained with him too.

Shamu; your hips don't lie

OKAYYY! I'll admit it, I've been slacking :( . Turns out my trainer was as lazy as I am so I got a new one who's a lot more on her game. Her name is Sam and she's going to be my first female trainer, I can tell you already I'm much more comfortable doing jumping jacks with a girl looking at me. Makes me a lot less self conscious of my jigglyness and my knockers bouncing around. She's really talkative and nice but just has a way of guilting me just enough to make me want to make that extra effort to come to the gym after a long day at school and work. I haven't been going to the gym much lately, but only because I took a weeks vacation and went to Cuba so I've fallen a little behind in my school work and had to work extra hours at work to make up for it. But now things are starting to get back to normal. A normal schedule where I can MAKE the time to get my fat ass to the gym. Especially since in 2 years of traveling with my mom and friends I have never before felt as much of a WHALE as I did on this vacation. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I wasn't even able to do the things I loved doing there. I used to participate in all the beach games and go swimming in the ocean as much as possible. But I felt so self conscious that I didn't want to do any of that because I didn't want to be seen in my bathing suits, even though I bought a bunch of new ones for the occasion. Also at nights I loved going to the disco and dance and shake my ass like the locals but this time it was horrible! I would see them so svelte and sexy and here I was feeling like Shamu not Shakira! I have to change this. I can't let this get any worse. My fat has got to go! This isn't me! I'm not someone who can't do what they love because they are uncomfortable doing it. No one should ever be uncomfortable doing what they love! Like sleeping! How can you sleep without being comfy?!!! You CAN'T!! So I can't live this way. I can't be this way anymore! I will do it this time. I will... I have to.

Pass out, Class out

University has started and I think I'll lose more of my weight out of pure stress more then anything else. When I'm not at school, I"m at work. When I'm not at work, I'm at the gym. When I'm not at the gym, I'm sleeping! I've been so busy this past week that I've been skipping meals because I have litterally just not had the time to eat which is really not usual for me.
Since I've been stretched so thin this week that I wasn't even able to complete my workout with my trainer. He had me doing weight circuits and my eyes were closing on me and my muscles where not listening to my brain by the 3rd round of the circuit and I felt like I was going to fall over at any moment. So he had me stop and sit for a while until I could function again. The worst was how I felt after I had two more reps and a set of abs left for me to finish the circuit and I wasn't able to I felt like I let myself down... but I guess that, in some way is still better then if I had literally fallen down?
Once I get used to this new busy schedule of mine I'm sure I'll handle it much better physically.
My goal for the next two weeks until I see my trainer again is 3 pounds in 2 weeks. Completely manageable! I'm very excited to reach it because every pound counts.

I'm going to F**king kick your ass!

Were one of the first words my new trainer said to me when I met him today, I like him already! I did all of 30 minutes cardio with him after we sat down and ' got to know each other ' and yet my legs are killing me. I think this is going to be good and exactly what I need.
Also he's a treadmill guy! NOT A STAIRMASTER GUY!  Thank the sweet sweet heavens, but I do still believe he's going to kick my ass and that makes me happy not worried. He's really intense without being too pushy and is also a total jokester like I was hoping for. I trust that we're going to get on just great and that I may be finally, realistically, on my way to getting the body that I want.

F**cking kick away Vittia! Kick away!